The Practice of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a hot topic these days, one that instagram or tiktok will offer a million instructions on how to cultivate in “5 easy steps”. The truth is, self-compassion is not easy to cultivate and there is no quick fix to suddenly become completely confidence in oneself. Self-compassion, in reality, is a practice.

What is and is not self-compassion?

Self-compassion is simply turning kindness, understanding and empathy inward. It means not judging ourselves so harshly when we make a mistake and congratulating ourselves when we do something well. One major hold up I hear from clients in their self-compassion practice is the fear that self-compassion will lead to a lack of accountability or motivation for self-improvement. But self-compassion is not a free pass to do whatever we want or a barrier to growth. In fact, offering self-compassion can actually help us to grow and evolve much more effectively than shame and self-blame.

How can I start this practice?

Catch yourself!

Start by trying to notice when the negative self-talk kicks in. Is this happening all of the time? Is there a particular environment, person or situation that triggers it? See if you can notice your automatic responses and get curious about them.

What would I say?

I often encourage my clients to consider what they might say to someone else in a similar situation. This works especially well when we think about someone we love. Most of us would never speak to others the way we speak to ourselves. Can you imagine telling your best friend or your niece that they are a total screw up for being late to a committment? Definitely not! Usually, we would offer validation and understanding. We would listen and let them know that we still love them!

Ask for help

If you have a hard time even coming up with compassionate words for yourself, you might try to ask someone you trust (make sure this is a safe and supportive person) to help you out. Notice how they respond to you and use this as a guide.

Affirmations

Affirmations or mantras are a great way to start to build self-compassion. You can choose your own or try something simple to start, such as “I deserve compassion” or “I am doing the best that I can in this moment”.

Now Practice!

There is a good chance that you are not going to fully believe these new compassionate words immediately. Like learning anything new, this way of being is going to take time to adjust to. Try saying the compassionate words anyways, trying them on to see how they feel.

Self-compassion can get deep, sometimes we struggle with self-compassion due to feeling we are undeserving, feelings of shame or past trauma, so working with a therapist can really help here to explore any resistance and barriers that come up in a safe environment.